Dark masculine shadow work: the key to finally killing the nice guy

How much longer are you going to pretend you’re harmless?

If you’re unsure of yourself as a man.

If you struggle to assert yourself (at work, with friends or in the bedroom).

If you’re afraid of conflict, confrontation and raised voices.

And if you procrastinate and can’t seem to find motivation for… well, anything.

This email may be exactly what you need to hear today.

Let me tell you a story from my time as a cage fighter.

We wind the clocks back.

It’s 2014.

I’m locked in the cage. My body covered in sweat.

The crowd eerily silent.

I have my opponent pinned on his back after securing a single-leg takedown.

As I move to advance my position, he leaves his face exposed.

Christmas came early.

crack

My knuckles collide with his cheekbone through the 3-oz MMA gloves.

He winces and recoils.

I growl like a wild animal as I throw another punch.

crack

As I smack him again, I feel something unexpected surge from the deepest wellspring of my psyche.

delight

I’m enjoying hurting this man.

And it scares the crap out of me.

Outside the cage, I was Ollie the anxious nice guy.

The passive, smiley doormat who’s pleasant to be around but silently let’s other’s walk all over him … and has done so his whole life.

But in that cage, for the first time, I’m in a position of complete domination and power over somebody.

And a part of me is fucking loving it.

It was more healing than 100 hours of talk therapy.

A part of me that had lain dormant since I was a young boy fully awakened in that cage.

As the referee dragged me off of him, my opponent’s face tenderised,

I felt closer to God than I’ve ever felt before or since (and I’ve done my fair share of psychedelics).

Every cell of my body breathed a sigh of relief.

The nice guy mask was finally off.

And the real, authentic me was on full display.

Am I a masochistic person who loves to hurt people? No.

But after an entire lifetime of being forced into the good boy box by teachers, parents, bullies, grown-ups and well… everyone,

Releasing the valve and allowing my dark side out was an experience beyond words.

As I climbed out of the cage, I will never forget the look on my girlfriend’s face.

That look was rooted in something primordial.

Older than culture, language or religion.

It was the look of pure, unfiltered, primal desire.

She witnessed me in my full, unapologetic, fully expressed power.

I felt her total and complete surrender for the first time.

I took her home and ravished her in a way I had never done before.

I had met a version of myself I never knew existed because he’d been buried too deep in the dark.

This is what’s possible when a nice guy finally develops the courage to face the darkness within him.

The darkness that contains your:

• Repressed ambition

• Primal sexual desire and lust

• Unapologetic selfishness

• Unfiltered anger and the capacity to create chaos

• Will for dominance and power

When you connect with this stuff, you tap into an infinite source of your potential.

Isn’t that dangerous?

Only if you keep pretending it doesn’t exist.

I fundamentally believe that the most dangerous thing on the planet is a man whose darkness is in control of him, as opposed to the other way around.

Think mass shootings, sexual assault, random acts of violence or premeditated vengeance.

All of it comes from being unconscious of the darkness within.

People avoid facing it because it’s scary.

Because it threatens everything they think they are.

It forces you to admit that you might not be who you’ve always believed yourself to be.

You aren’t just the smiley Mr Nice Guy. You’re infinitely more powerful than that.

And when a man plucks up the courage to integrate his dark side, he ironically becomes a safer person.

Women relax in his presence.

Men trust him.

And more importantly, he relaxes and trusts himself, possibly for the first time, as he realises that no matter what happens, he can handle it.

So, how do you get in touch with this dark side?

Firstly, by acknowledging that you have one in the first place.

Then it’s a combination of brutally honest self-reflection, action, and repeat across time until your self-image correctly recalibrates.

I may create a group or course on this in the future because it’s a rough thing to do alone.

But for now, start here.

Answer these:

1. What do you secretly want that you’re afraid to want?

2. What would you do if there were no consequences?

3. What kind of sex would you have if you didn’t feel guilt or shame?

4. In what ways have you used kindness as a mask to be liked or gain influence?

5. Who would you like to punch in the face? (from your past or present)

Notice any discomfort as you grapple with these questions.

This is your inner nice guy, afraid of losing control.

But remind him: you are the king of your inner world.

You will face the darkness without letting it harm you or anyone else.

And when you do…

You won’t be harmless.

You’ll be more powerful than you ever imagined you could be.

Hit reply and let me know.

Would you be interested in:

• A dark masculine shadow work journal?

• A group experience that focuses on this exact transformation?

• Something else? I’m open to feedback.

I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Stay courageous,

Oliver