A few years ago I was on a date looking at the dark-haired, green-eyed knockout across from me.
She was laughing at my jokes and making long eye contact.
But I couldn’t shake it.
“No way. She can’t possibly be into me.”
We left the coffee shop and I walked her to the station.
We hugged for a while and she kissed me on the cheek.
I got my hopes up.
But it didn’t last long.
I messaged her the following day and got a reply that no man would be happy with.
“Hey, I had a really great time but I don’t really see anything romantic between us. You’re a really nice guy though!”
Shoot me. Right here. Right in the face.
I didn’t want to be a fucking nice guy.
No man wants to be that nice guy who never gets laid.
I wanted to be the guy she wanted.
And I hated to admit it, but I knew she was right.
On the date, even though I wanted to get diabolical with this woman …
I was too nice, smiley, harmless and friendly.
I was like Ned Flanders for fucks sake.
And the reason for this was that I allowed her beauty to intimidate me.
I was so afraid of her not liking me, I ended up hiding who I was.
It just goes to show that recovery is not linear.
Sometimes you’ll be put in a situation that throws you right back into your people-pleasing ways.
So I went back to the drawing board for answers.
And I came across a book that completely changed my life.
After reading it, it instantly became catapulted to the top of my “100 books I will reread until I die from smiling too hard” list.
It’s a book called The Courage To Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitaki Koga.
This books helps you gain … well .. the courage to be disliked.
And it does so with a few key insights that I want to share with you.
The first is probably the most important and it’s something you can apply right away.
One of the reasons we care what other people think is that we assume too much responsibility for other people’s feelings.
Other people’s feelings are not in our control.
They arise from that person’s perceptions, beliefs and experiences.
None of these things have anything to do with you.
If you said the same thing in the same way to 100 people you would get a hundred different reactions.
And if you’re a people pleaser … you’d feel personally responsible for all of them.
This is like going on a long journey with 100 people and trying to carry all of their luggage as well as your own.
To overcome this, the authors recommend something called the separation of tasks.
This is where you get pretty ruthless about clarifying what luggage belongs to you and what doesn’t.
Your luggage is what you say and do.
Everyone else’s luggage is how they react to it.
Drop all of the luggage right now and give it back to other people.
Don’t pick up other people’s luggage.
Not only will this tire you out, but it also makes other people weaker.
As a side note, I love this phrase an ex-girlfriend from Romania told me when it comes to keeping your own baggage …
“Not my circus, not my monkeys.”
This brings me to the next insight that nearly gave me an existential crisis.
It’s an insight that we all need to realise if we want to be happy.
But before I say this to you, pay attention to how you react.
The more strongly you react to these words, the more of a people-pleaser you are.
Ready? Here it is.
YOU DON’T EXIST TO SATISFY THE EXPECTATIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE
Not your parents.
Not your boss.
Not your girlfriend.
Not your boss’ girlfriend.
NOT ANYBODY.
People who do this end up living lives that aren’t even theirs.
Ultimately, the only person’s expectations you should be meeting are your own.
This is your life.
It’s your path.
And you get to decide what kind of life that is and what makes you happy.
Prioritise your own happiness and let everything else fall away.
And no — it isn’t selfish.
The world doesn’t need more people-pleasers.
The world needs more people who have realised how to be happy.
But let’s be honest … thinking this way isn’t easy.
There’s something people pleasers fundamentally need more of … and that’s courage.
Pleasing others is your comfort zone.
Being nice is your comfort zone.
Never sharing anything potentially upsetting is your comfort zone.
This comfort zone is comfortable but it’s killing you.
We need to, as the title suggests, develop the courage to be disliked by people.
And we do that by valuing courage more than approval.
For example — when I started approaching women, the one thing that kept me going in the face of rejection was the fear of seeing myself as a coward.
I didn’t care how an approach would go, as long as I did it.
But why value courage at all?
Because life exists on the other side of your fears .. and without courage, you will never experience life fully.
This isn’t just about people-pleasing anymore. It’s about life.
A great relationship with an amazing woman lies on the other side of your fear of approaching women and being vulnerable.
A higher income lies on the other side of your fear of failure, success and responsibility.
A lifestyle of freedom lies on the other side of your fear of uncertainty.
All of these things require courage.
That’s why I say at the end of every single email and video…
Stay courageous,
OC