"Ollie, we need to talk about something"
This is almost never a good thing to hear.
"Last time you fingered me, it left me sore for a few days after." she said.
"Really? It's never been a problem with anyone else" I said, defensively.
"Yeah well maybe they just didn't feel confident enough to tell you"
My 19 year old ego shattered.
It turned out that despite my baseless belief to the contrary, I was terrible at pleasuring a woman and this was just one of many occasions where this became blatantly obvious.
About 8 years & many sexual experiences have passed since then.
I don't know how many woman I've slept with, but it's a lot.
I'm not saying this to brag. The fact that I've always craved the validation of sex to this extent actually speaks of a deeper issue I have with intimacy & closeness (but that's for another article).
The point is, I've had many more opportunities to learn since then.
Despite my initial ineptitude, I've made some discoveries that I would like to share with you.
I do so in the hopes that my mistakes may help a brother be the stud he secretly hopes to be.
In no particular order, here are my top tips painfully learned through trial and error.
Tip 1 - Slow the f#ck down.
I think porn is partly to blame here. That porn star sex where the guy pumps away like a madman whilst the woman has the time of her life. The reality, as I discovered, was often very different. I've found that, whilst some women do like to be smashed into oblivion, the best responses I received (knees-quivering & barely able to talk kind of thing) were when I slowed the hell down and took my time.
Tip 2 - Learn to breathe properly.
This is pretty damn essential for "keeping the wolf from the door" so to speak. I used to come in about 10 pumps which was always quite embarrassing. That was until I learned to breathe deeply into the diaphragm. Meditation, Yoga and Tantra practices are your friend here.
Tip 3 - Enjoy the process.
One big mistake I was making was that I was thinking far too much about the orgasm, both mine and hers. I was treating sex as a means to an end, which dampened the whole experience and gave it a kind of compulsive quality. Sex wasn't sex, it was just a means to have an orgasm. Learning to enjoy the process and be in the moment made everything so much more enjoyable.
Tip 4 - Don't take yourself so seriously, dude.
Another reason I came too quickly is that I was taking myself way too seriously. I saw sex as a test. I had to prove to her and myself that I was a man capable of performing. The performance anxiety ironically led to me shooting my bolt too quickly and underperforming. When I stopped giving so much of a fuck, it meant I had much more fuck to give (hehe).
Tip 5 - The sex starts earlier in the day.
This was a tip I heard from a sex-coach on Facebook that stuck with me. Dropping subtle suggestions earlier in the day to get the mental/emotional cogs turning is a winner.
The more you leave open to imagination the better. Sending an unsolicited picture of your raging stonk might be desirable to some but I'm talking more about a subtle yet suggestive text sent earlier in the day.
I like to be direct and dominant so I'd usually say something simple like "I have some plans for you tonight" and let her imagination and curiosity fill in the blanks. By the time we start getting down to business, she's spent most of her day fantasizing about us. Bam.
Tip 6 - Get comfortable taking control.
Now, there are women who enjoy being dominant but in my experience, it's pretty rare. I was once seeing a woman who played the dominant role out of habit but as it turned out, she deeply craved to be dominated herself. She just had issues with trust.
One of the best things I did not just for my sex life but also for my self-esteem as a man was to become comfortable taking real control. Not in a misogynistic, dickhead kind of way but in a respectful, nurturing yet powerfully assertive manner.
Tip 7 - Get comfortable with talking.
Unless your problem is that you talk too much, learning how to talk better during sexy-time is a winner. Not just during the act but having open conversations with your partner about your preferences, likes and dislikes is also a good way to go. Initially, it helped me to just keep it simple. Short phrases such as "your tits are amazing" and "that is so hot" can't go far wrong.
Tip 8 - Be vulnerable.
Some of the best sexual experiences I've ever had were after a pretty deep conversation about something vulnerable. Some of the worst sex I've ever had was with women who I wouldn't talk to about about anything personal, where I barely felt a connection.
Sex is a form of connection and because it's so primal, stuff that's on your/her mind will show up during sex. Get comfortable talking about that kind of stuff. You aren't a robot, you're a human.
Tip 9 - Environment matters.
Candles. Incense. Fresh sheets. This stuff genuinely makes a difference. A male bird of paradise as part of it's mating ritual will go to great lengths to making the space presentable for the female. Be like a male bird of paradise, although putting berries all over the floor has never worked for me.
Tip 10 - Get good at massage.
If I want to have a really enjoyable sexual experience with someone, I will almost always include massage. It's a fantastic warm-up to the main event and almost every woman I've given a massage to has enjoyed the idea of being oiled up with a pair of hands all over them. Start with a massage and use the time to tease the hell out of her. You won't regret it.
Sex is a powerful form of connection but it can also be big source of shame for a lot of us.
As men, we can fall into the performance trap, where instead of enjoying the experience we are unconsciously viewing it as a test of our manhood.
The quicker we can get over this the better.
I hope that my hard earned wisdom in this area has given you some real value.
Go forth and be the stud that you are!