The biggest attraction killer
Do you know the number one turn-off for most women?
According to a recent study, out of 1400 people, there was one thing that women mentioned more than anything else as the biggest relationship turn-off…
And that’s a man who was clingy or needy.
Getting a handle on this behaviour is something every man should prioritise if he wants a great relationship someday.
If you think you might be one of these men, this is for you.
Because today I’m going to be covering:
- What neediness is.
- Signs you’re actually needy.
- Why you’re needy or clingy.
- What you can do about it.
So let’s dive in and clarify what neediness really is.
What is a needy man?
Now you might think you know what neediness or clinginess is but here’s a definition…
“To be clingy is to stay highly close or dependent on someone for emotional support and a sense of security.”
Having needs is not needy.
We all have needs.
And we can’t meet all of our needs on our own all the time.
But what makes you needy is being unable to meet your own needs at all.
It’s like your glass is empty and you’re thirsty but your only option is to fill it with other people’s.
Without intending to, you can become an energy vampire who’s hard to be around.
This can become a vicious cycle where the needier you get…
the more desperate and insecure you become…
which pushes people away/turns women off…
making you even more desperate…
And on and on it goes.
It’s a shit show, to be honest.
But before we can fix it, we need to know something.
Are you actually as needy as you think you are?
Because maybe you’re actually not.
So let me quickly fire off a bunch of signs you are in fact needy.
Signs you’re needy or clingy
Here are a few signs that you might be a needy man:
- You constantly seek reassurance or approval.
- You overthink everything you say or do either by text or in person.
- You obsessively worry about what people think of you.
- You put other people (including women) on a pedestal.
- You feel jealous when friends or partners hang out with other people
- You change yourself around other people and become a “social chameleon” in order to fit in.
- You stalk people’s social media to see what they’re up to
- You text loads of messages at once
- You compulsively check for replies
- You feel insecure or panicked when someone doesn't respond to your text
- You demand to know details like where someone is or who they are with
Now maybe you don’t do all of these all the time.
Sometimes you might feel needier than others. Remember this for later.
But if you ticked more than 3 of those boxes then it’s a sign that neediness might be sabotaging your relationships.
There’s something you need to understand.
Neediness is just a surface-level symptom of something deeper going on.
And until you understand the root cause, you’ll be stuck in this cycle for a very long time.
So what are these root causes?
Why do you become needy and clingy?
There’s no definitive single reason why you become needy and clingy that applies to everyone.
But here are a few reasons why this happens to a man:
- You have low self-esteem or unprocessed toxic shame. On some deep level, you feel like you’re broken and defective which makes you crave someone else to tell you that you aren’t.
- Abandonment wounds. You experienced abandonment in the past and that part of you is afraid of going through it again.
- You put people on a pedestal. You might pedestalize certain people and put them in a position where their opinion means something about your value as a person.
- Your life sucks. If you don’t actually enjoy your life as a whole and this makes you more hungry for approval and validation from other people.
- You don’t know your purpose. A man without any idea where he’s going will unconsciously look to other people for comfort and reassurance.
4 steps to stop being needy and clingy
So now you’ve identified if you’re a needy person or not and you’ve got some ideas of what could be causing it, here are 4 strategies for overcoming it.
1) Uncover the original wound
If you’ve never done serious inner work, this is where you should start.
Because if needy and clingy behaviour keeps appearing, there’s likely a part of you that’s still in pain.
Usually, it’s a wounded inner child that’s still afraid of something.
Maybe you were bullied as a kid and deep down you think you’re different and unloveable.
Maybe a woman cheated on you and you feel it might be evidence of your lack of worth.
Whatever it is, start digging.
A few questions you might ask are…
- Are you afraid of being alone? If so, why?
- How do you feel when she doesn’t respond to your text right away?
- What fears arise when someone you care about spends time with someone else?
- What do you feel you need to do or be in order for people to like you?
Uncovering your original wound (s) is the first step to healing.
And this will make the next step even more powerful.
2) Become aware of your needy patterns
The first step to any change is awareness.
To build awareness, you need to compartmentalize your experience into a few sections
- Your triggers (external events that cause an emotional disturbance).
- The story your mind creates about that event.
- The feelings that come up in your body.
- Your reaction to the trigger.
- The effect of your reaction.
For example, let’s say a woman doesn’t text you back right away which triggers you.
Then the story comes up “What if she doesn’t actually like me?”
This story induces a feeling of anxiety in you.
Then because you’re unable to tolerate this, your reaction is to text her again
The effect this has is that it may push her away or maybe it makes you more anxious because you know you’ve just acted needy towards her.
I usually ask clients to log about 10 different events in this way.
Because when you’ve done this, you can start spotting patterns which will help you start choosing a different response that’s more in alignment with your values and goals.
But what if you don’t know what your values and goals are?
This brings me to step three.
3) Get clear on your VIP (Values, Identity, Purpose)
A man who doesn't know who he is will look to other people to tell him.
And this is what makes him needy and insecure.
To stop giving as much of a fuck what people think of you, you need to get clear on:
- What’s important to you (your values)
- Who you are (your identity, likes, dislikes, life story interests, passions)
- What you want (your purpose & goals)
Once you know this stuff, your work is bringing this into reality and building a life that inspires you.
This will resolve most of your neediness or clinginess towards other people.
Because you’ll start to value your own approval of yourself rather than other people’s approval of you.
But no man is an island. We need other people.
So how do we communicate our needs without being needy?
4) Practice authentic communication
Knowing what your needs are and taking responsibility for meeting them is the opposite of being needy.
Even if this means getting a need met by someone else.
For example, you’re feeling triggered by something your girlfriend said.
Shutting down, and being bitter and resentful is needy behavior in the hopes that she gets the hint and apologises is needy.
Instead, you might say:
“Babe, what you said hurt and I want to talk to you about it so we can deal with it”
This is you acknowledging that you have a need for respect and taking responsibility for getting it met.
I appreciate you, mate.
And my heart goes out to you if you struggle with this.
I went through it and it sucked.
But healing is possible and you aren’t alone.
If you need help, book a call with me and let's get to the bottom of it.