Alright mate.
Something surprising happened yesterday.
I'm sitting there on a park bench with Paula, the landlord of an apartment I'm about to view.
We're chatting away, preparing to check out the place until she drops the bomb.
She tells me the apartment doesn't have air conditioning.
This might not seem like a big deal to you. But to a British man with the skin of milk in the middle of a Portuguese summer, it’s a complete deal-breaker.
To most people, it’s as simple as saying no to her right there.
But the problem is, I’m a recovering nice guy.
The guilty thoughts flood my mind:
“You can’t say no now, you haven’t even viewed the apartment.”
“She must have traveled all this way, you can’t disappoint her.”
“You’re an idiot, you should have asked about air conditioning before.”
“Just go and view the apartment don’t make a fuss.”
I'm literally seconds away from faking an apartment viewing just to avoid potentially disappointing a complete stranger.
But just as we’re about to stand up and walk to the place, I say:
“I’m sorry, I know I should have asked you about this, but actually the no AC in the apartment is a deal-breaker for me. I appreciate your time and I hope you find someone.”
My nervous system expected fireworks.
But you know that? She was completely cool about it.
We said goodbye and I went along with my day.
A few years ago I would have gone along with the apartment viewing because I was terrified of saying no to people.
This is because I had absolutely no tolerance for emotional tension.
I define emotional tension as the temporary discomfort that comes when opposing interests, desires, opinions, or thoughts interact between people, even in small ways.
In healthy adult relationships and everyday interactions, it’s completely normal. Even desirable.
But a man with no tolerance for emotional tension is at a severe disadvantage in life.
He’s more likely to feel needy, insecure and anxious.
He’s often conflict-avoidant and hard to trust.
He sometimes gives off this weird inauthentic stench that repels people.
And what’s worse is, he simply cannot be himself or relax around people.
That's why these types of men often prefer to spend most of their time alone, like I used to.
My ability to say no to this woman came down to strengthening that tolerance over the years.
How did I do that? Long story, but in a nutshell…
I practiced saying the scary thing and sitting in the fire of awkwardness, rejection, honesty or uncertainty… without over-explaining, apologizing, or backpedaling.
That's how I gained the freedom to be myself.
The problem is, when you start doing this out in the wild, you will run into real friction, awkwardness, and judgment.
That’s why you have to build this muscle in a safe environment first, before you test it in high-stakes situations.
You can start small with 1–3 safe people in your life by letting the "hidden man" out bit by bit.
Or, if you want a dedicated room to actively practice stepping into emotional tension alongside other guys doing the exact same work:
My weekly men’s group exists for precisely this reason.
It’s every week on Tuesdays, 7:00 – 9:00pm UK time. Fully confidential, safe, and structured.
If you’re interested, reply to this email with the word “GROUP” and I’ll send you some more details (this email is long enough already).
Enjoy your Sunday, mate.
Stay courageous,
Oliver
