Alright mate,
If you feel disconnected around people, tense in social situations, or strangely unfulfilled in your relationships, there’s a good chance you’ve misdiagnosed the problem.
You’re not awkward.
You’re not broken.
And you don’t need more confidence.
The real issue is simpler and harder to face.
You’ve learned to fit in.
I just got off a coaching call with a client where this exact pattern finally became clear to him.
It might be blocking you too.
So why is fitting in such a problem?
Fitting in means warping or contorting your authentic self to gain approval and validation from others.
It’s often something you learn young.
Especially if, at some point, you absorbed the message that your real self was wrong, bad, or not enough.
Connection is a fundamental human need.
But if you believe your true self isn’t something anyone would want to connect with, you do the only thing that feels safe.
You detach from who you are and present a version of yourself that feels more acceptable.
On the surface, this can work.
I tried to fit in for years. I know it can make people like you.
But there are real costs to living this way.
Here are three of them.
1. You never feel socially fulfilled
You might gain approval by being the clown, the pseudo-therapist, the easygoing guy, or the comedian.
But the more you perform a role, the less connected you feel.
Because deep down, you know they’re responding to the performance, not you.
So the connection you actually want always feels just out of reach.
2. You never truly relax around other people
From a young age, you learned to adapt, filter, and manage yourself to be liked.
That’s exhausting.
If you’re constantly monitoring how you’re coming across, you can never fully relax.
Instead, you overthink, stay hypervigilant, and feel on edge.
Often, the result is spending a lot of time alone just to recover.
3. You slowly lose touch with who you are
If you’ve been a social chameleon for years, adapting yourself to other people’s expectations, something gets buried.
Your feelings.
Your opinions.
Your worldview.
Your preferences.
Your wants and needs.
After long enough, you’re not even sure what’s authentically yours anymore.
All of it gets buried under decades of trying to fit in.
If you want real connection, a sense of belonging, and fulfilling relationships with women, the path forward is simple.
Stop trying to fit in.
Prioritise being respected, especially by yourself, over being liked.
Speak your mind.
Let go of your attachment to outcomes.
And really internalise this:
Rejection is not a failure.
It’s a filter that keeps the wrong people out of your life.
One of the most common regrets people have at the end of their lives is not living true to themselves, but living according to others’ expectations.
So here’s my question for you.
What’s one authentic thing you could say or do this week that risks not fitting in?
Go do that.
Stay courageous,
Oliver
P.S. If you’re genuinely done trying to fit in and you’re ready to build authentic friendships and intimate relationships this year, I have one remaining coaching space for February.
If you want to explore what working together would look like, you can apply here and we’ll have a straightforward conversation about next steps.
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