You’re at a coffee shop.
A cute woman makes eye contact and smiles at you.
Be honest.
What would you do?
If you’re anything like most men, your response is something along the lines of:
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“Ignore her and keep drinking my coffee.”
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“Smile back but don’t approach.”
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“Acknowledge her and hope she comes over.”
(These were the three most popular responses to this poll question on my YouTube channel.)
This points to one of the biggest problems I see with the “nice guy” approach to life.
Passivity.
Passivity is a fear-based approach to life where a man habitually avoids making decisions, taking initiative, or making things happen.
He might tell himself he’s just “going with the flow.”
But the truth is, he’s afraid of creating his own.
And deep down, he knows it.
Which is why he doesn’t fully trust or respect himself.
A passive life slowly drains your masculine energy.
You stop actively creating the kind of life that fulfills and sustains you.
Instead, you find yourself “taking what you can get” (especially in dating).
And that often leads to relationships that feel suffocating or just quietly empty.
Passivity at its core is built on a painful belief:
“My needs, my sexuality and my masculinity is a burden. And if I rock the boat, nobody will want me.”
That belief is often formed in childhood when a boy had to learn to be invisible in order to survive.
But as an adult, that same coping strategy creates tremendous pain.
You sit watching opportunities pass you by.
You might notice other men enjoying fun, fulfilling connections while you remain on the sidelines.
If this stings a little, that means something in you recognises the pattern.
And that’s where the work begins.
Because I don’t want you simply taking whatever you can get.
You deserve better. You always did, even if you don’t fully believe that yet.
So here’s how to start shifting it.
Starting today…
I) Practice death meditation
“The way of the warrior is found in death.” — Hagakure
There’s a reason the samurai of ancient Japan contemplated their own death daily.
They would sit in meditation, actively imagining their own violent death.
Because once a man has faced the worst in his mind, the small risks of life lose their grip.
A woman’s rejection holds far less power when you’ve already made peace with your own mortality.
One day you won’t be here. And neither will she.
The discomfort of rejection or the wave of anxiety .. it all passes.
Like tears in rain.
Passivity survives on the illusion of “later.”
Masculinity awakens in us when we surrender to the truth of death.
And then act accordingly.
II) Put yourself around men who refuse to let you shrink
“You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with.” — Jim Rohn
Passivity thrives in isolation.
Alone in the echo chamber of your mind, you can rationalise just about anything.
“I’ll do it next time.”
“It wasn’t the right moment.”
“She probably wasn’t interested anyway.”
And these rationalizations and excuses are why you stay stuck despite logically understanding everything.
Other strong men won’t let you hide there.
They’ll challenge you, call you forward and expect more of you than you expect of yourself.
Your companions shape your identity.
So don’t let your social life just happen to you. Choose it deliberately.
And limit your exposure to people you wouldn’t want to become like.
III) Make peace with being misunderstood or disliked
“Unless one is unconcerned by other people’s judgments… one will never be able to follow through in one’s own way of living.” — Ichiro Kishimi
Passivity is often fear of disapproval.
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You don’t approach because she might reject you.
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You don’t speak up because someone might disagree.
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You don’t set boundaries because someone might leave.
But if you try to live in a way that pleases everybody, you will rarely feel truly seen by anybody.
A decisive man will sometimes be disliked. And he may not enjoy it.
But he refuses to let other people’s opinions govern his life.
And although he is disliked sometimes, he is also respected.
So choose your discomfort.
Being liked but lonely?
Or being disliked sometimes … yet deeply known, loved and respected by the right people?
If you want a powerful perspective on what courage, agency and active engagement with life actually means for a man, this book will get the cogs turning.
(Just take it with a pinch of salt)
Until next time,
Stay courageous
Oliver