Devouring Mothers. Lost Boys.
One of the main things that keeps a man from reaching his potential is an unhealthy attachment to his mother.
An emotional umbilical cord that never got cut, keeping him dependent on her for a sense of who he is what he should do.
If the emotional umbilical cord stays intact well into adulthood, he'll feel like a boy in a man’s body. Stifled. Suppressed. Weak.
And in today's article, we're helping you cut the emotional umbilical cord to your mother so you can reach your potential as a man.
What you'll learn in today's article...
What is the emotional umbilical cord?
The emotional umbilical cord is a term used to describe the psychological or emotional attachment to the mother.
It has it’s roots in Jungian psychology and was pioneered by Jung and his contemporaries.
In order for a man to fully mature and develop, he needs to cut the cord during adolescence with the help of the father.
That’s how things have been for tens of thousands of years.
Today, many men still haven’t cut the emotional umbilical cord.
They’re still emotionally and psychologically dependent or attached to her and this keeps them stuck in adolescence.
Everyone suffers for it. Women roll their eyes. Other men push you away because they don’t trust you. Society looks down on you.
Not good.
Why are we still attached to our mother?
There are a few reasons why the cord never got cut.
Your father was passive or absent
If the father was passive or absent, the mother can take on a devouring, over-dependent or controlling role.
This is because in the absence of the healthy masculinity of the father, her needs go unmet so she hooks up to her son.
She also has to run the house and go into her masculine which if done consistently, will almost always exhaust her.
This exhaustion leads to her masculine energy shifting into it’s dark sides.
Critical. Over-bearing. Controlling.
You were never initiated into manhood
Rites of passage used to help boys pass through the barrier and break away from his mother.
We don’t have these anymore.
You have few real male friends
The tribe is gone.
It’s been replaced for social media and living alone in apartments.
This tribe would help a boy grow up but today male loneliness is a new silent epidemic.
You think masculinity is bad
A boy needs to integrate and embody his masculinity to fully grow up - but if he’s been taught that masculinity is bad, this will never happen.
Now that we know what keeps the umbilical cord intact, let's discover whether this is a problem for you.
Signs your emotional umbilical cord is still intact
Here are a list of signs your emotional umbilical cord is still intact with your mother:
- You crave approval and validation from women.
- You're afraid of confrontation which stems from a fear of upsetting mum or getting into trouble.
- You struggle attracting the women you want.
- You withdraw and avoid as a defence mechanism.
- Your struggle in relationships, being either too anxious or avoidant - not fully engaged.
- You have low self-esteem
- You're afraid of life in general.
- You lack trust in yourself.
- You intellectualize, staying stuck in your head and out of your body.
"Young men who are overpowered by their mothers [often] escape into the realm of the intellect, to escape the mother's power and the animus pressure, by getting into the realm of books and philosophical discussion - which they think mother does not understand." - Marie-Louise von Franz - You put women on a pedestal (mother as god) and fear them.
- You have a compulsive relationship with sex, porn or masturbation.
- You attract controlling women or abdicate leadership or responsibility in relationships.
- You're indecisive or flighty.
- You fear commitment.
- You use humour to avoid intense emotions.
If you've identified a few signs in yourself - that's great news because now we're going to cut the emotional umbilical cord so you can become your own man.
How to cut the emotional umbilical cord to your mother
Gain independence
It’s very difficult to maintain distance and boundaries if you’re living under her roof or accepting money from her.
Move out of her home. Cut financial dependence.
You need to create distance to allow your full identity to come forward.
Travel solo
I strongly believe that in order for a man to know himself, he needs to be with himself solo for long periods.
Go on a solo backpacking trip to a foreign country and figure things out as you go.
Doing so builds your confidence and self-trust as well as distances you from your mother (healing the enmeshment).
Uncover hidden anger or resentment
Many men have suppressed their own conflicted feelings towards their mother a long time ago to avoid a confrontation.
But these are just pushed down.
They haven’t got anywhere and they are fucking you up in the background.
Get in touch with your anger and resentments towards her.
Stand up to her
This takes her off the pedestal.
Stop hiding your anger towards her and start communicating it.
Set boundaries with her.
Establish new ground rules for your relationships.
For example, “I won’t accept you criticising me anymore, if you do, I’ll end the conversation”
Connect with other men
A lot of men are shocked to learn that their relationship with their mother isn’t normal and it never was.
Without that truthful outside perspective, you can stay stuck.
Healthy relationships with men will show you the truth and prove to you that masculinity isn’t a bad thing.
They’ll hold you accountable when you’re playing it small, avoiding responsibility and being a boy.
This is your secret weapon.
In the most recent online men’s group I ran, the mother wound was such a big topic we spent a lot of time on.
Expand your tolerance to fear
There’s a reason you haven’t cut the cord yet.
It’s because of fear, deep down.
If you can’t handle fear and anxiety - you will go running back to her when shit get’s scary.
Cutting the cord may terrify you … but facing the dragon is what men do.
Start making more decisions
A practical step you can take right now is to start making decisions.
Great and small.
You may have abdicated responsibility for your life by letting her make decisions for you. Reverse this.
This builds your masculine energy and differentiated self-identity.
Reparent yourself
This needs to be it’s own series to be honest because it’s such a deep thing.
But in general, it’s about giving yourself all the things you didn’t get when you were a child.
Learning to tame the inner critic and hear the little boy in you who’s still struggling.
Then you build the habit of speaking to yourself as a loving big brother who wants the best for you.
Integration Exercise
Write a letter to your mom/ maternal figure from your younger self expressing what younger you never fully got to say, express, or experience with or around her.
Clearly state what you are letting go of and what you will no longer tolerate, look to her for, or engage with in your relationship with her.
Note: This letter isn’t to be sent or given to her.
In conclusion...
It can be easy to demonise your mother and see her as the devil.
She wasn’t.
She was just doing the best with what she had and her own conditioning.
It’s possible to have deep empathy for her and rock solid boundaries with a solid-grounded sense of identity at the same time.
This is what you want to shoot for.
This will completely change your relationships with women and men, too.
Women will be drawn to you and men will trust and respect you.
But most importantly, you’ll respect the man you see in the mirror.
Recommended reading
To conclude, here are a few books that will help you in your journey: