I recently got off a coaching call with a client who came to me because of challenges in his social and dating life.
When I say this guy is incredible, I mean it.
He is hardworking, intelligent, articulate and deeply thoughtful. The kind of man people rely on. A genuinely good man who wants the best for the people around him.
And yet if you asked him how he feels about himself, he would tell you, completely seriously:
“I feel like a loser and a failure most of the time.”
Let that land for a second.
How can someone who is objectively capable, kind and driven walk around feeling like he is fundamentally defective?
There is one word for this wound.
Toxic shame.
The belief that “there is something wrong with me.”
The belief that “I am not enough as I am.”
The conviction that “if people really saw me, they would lose respect or walk away.”
At this point in my work with men, I can say with confidence that this is the core wound of our generation.
When shame sits at the root of your psychology, it bleeds into everything.
You hide your real voice because it feels safer to stay small than to risk being judged.
You hold back your playfulness, your sexuality and your boldness with women because letting go of control feels dangerous.
You withdraw from people altogether because isolation feels better than being exposed.
You become brutally self critical in a way you would never speak to a friend, slowly eroding your own self respect.
You chase what I call shadow pursuits. Overworking. Constant travelling. Endless scrolling. Porn. Alcohol. Anything that helps you outrun the feeling of not being enough.
And beneath all of it is a deep exhaustion.
The exhaustion of performing for other people.
The loneliness of never feeling fully known by anyone.
The pain of feeling like you have to earn your right to exist in the room.
And the fear that if you stop trying so hard, you will be exposed.
If shame is at the root, you can achieve big things, earn more money, sleep with more women and build a life that looks incredible on paper…
… and still feel completely empty and alone inside.
You can enter relationships craving love, but secretly believe that once she sees the real you, she will leave.
That is how corrosive this wound is.
So if any part of this feels uncomfortably accurate, I want you to internalise this mantra as a non-negotiable.
“I refuse to be cruel to myself. I am in my own corner. I treat myself with dignity and respect.”
Not when you’re perfect or when you have achieved enough.
Now.
Copy/paste that mantra and say it to yourself every fucking morning until it sinks in.
The real work begins with how you speak to yourself when you fall short.
You are not broken. That’s not your problem.
The real problem is that you have been rehearsing a cruel story about yourself for years.
When you can see this clearly, you are no longer unconsciously trapped inside it.
That is where real change begins.
Stay courageous,
OC
P.S. You can keep trying to outwork shame on your own. Most men do, but it rarely works. If you are ready to stop performing and start healing alongside other men who are facing this head on, my men’s group is open. This is where we dismantle shame, build self respect and learn how to lead our lives instead of hiding inside them.