I was in a session the other day with a client.
Let's call him Sam.
Sam often freezes up around people. He goes quiet, overthinks every word.
Then afterwards he destroys himself for it.
"What's wrong with me? Why can't I relax? Why can't I be like that other guy? Why can't I just be normal?"
Sound familiar?
Here's what we uncovered:
Sam doesn't beat himself up because he's broken.
He does it to avoid being a “burden” to other people.
This is a strategy he learned in childhood.
Why does this happen?
Because when you were a kid, you got the message that your feelings, your needs, your complexity were a burden.
"Don't be angry. Don't be sad. Why can't you be a good boy like him?"
Eventually you came to learn that YOU are a burden.
So now, instead of saying what you actually think, instead of showing up messy, angry, wanting things, you do what you learned as a boy.
You beat yourself up.
Because at least then you stay in control.
Attack yourself first and you avoid risking expressing yourself and being treated badly for it.
It's a control strategy.
And here's what your inner critic is actually up to:
Its underlying goal is to protect you.
To stop you speaking your mind so you never experience humiliation, rejection or embarrassment.
The critic literally believes this will happen 100% of the time.
Speak up = get burned. No exceptions.
That's why arguing with it in your head doesn't work.
It's not running on logic.
It's running on old evidence.
An expressive, relaxed and unfiltered man isn't more confident than you.
He's just stopped treating himself as a problem to contain.
He feels things, says the scary thing, takes up space, and lets people deal with the real him.
Here's the reframe: let yourself be a "burden."
I'm serious.
You've spent too much time and energy taking responsibility for how other people perceive you.
Be a burden. Make a mess. Speak your unfiltered mind.
Ask for what you want.
Assert your boundaries and what you don't like.
Do this with tact and kindness.
But then let go.
And let the world, and other people, do whatever it needs to do.
Now, here's the deeper truth:
This was never really about whether you’re a burden or not.
It's about rewiring the message you absorbed as a boy: that it isn't safe to have an impact on people.
The truth is, you WILL have an impact on people.
But you need to learn that this is okay.
You deserve to be felt, heard and SEEN.
You need real moments where you speak your mind, take up space, and the humiliation it promised you never comes.
This is evidence the critic cannot argue with.
But trying to collect that evidence "in the wild" first, with your boss, your mates, your dates, is a recipe for disaster.
The stakes are too high, the old wiring kicks in, and one bad reaction hands the critic exactly the proof it was looking for.
You need a place to practise where the stakes are real, but safe.
That's exactly why I run Unmasked, my weekly men's group.
A room full of men doing this work together: saying the scary thing, being witnessed as their real, messy selves, and discovering nobody collapses under the weight of them.
Stacking up reference experiences the critic can't argue with, then taking that new wiring out into the rest of their lives.
If this email hit a nerve, that's your signal.
It's time to give yourself permission to take up space, take the safety off and start being the bold, courageous and unapologetic man you know you can be.
Excited to meet you,
Oliver
