“Why are your nipples showing?”

I stood there confused for a second.

What a weird thing for a total stranger to say at a house party.

Now four people were watching me, waiting for a response.

A couple of years ago, I would have frozen up, stumbled over my words, and completely fumbled an opportunity to practise some playful banter.

Back then, I was carrying a ton of toxic shame.

And shame is terribly afraid of being seen.

Almost as seen as my nipples apparently were.

But this time I responded differently.

We were at a murder mystery party: basically 20 people in an apartment role-playing as various characters trying to solve a mystery.

I explained that my nipples showing through my white T-shirt were a way for me to extract information from people.

I made it part of my character and played it up.

Soon, he, the two pretty ladies with him, and the host were in a fit of laughter as I demonstrated my nipple interrogation techniques.

But why the fuck am I telling you about my nipples?

Because when you own the things people could use against you, you take that power back.

Toxic shame says:

“If other people really saw me and my flawed, imperfect self, they would reject me and I couldn’t handle it.”

And this is bullshit, mate.

They might reject you.

They might be disappointed or disapproving, but you can absolutely handle that.

When shame has it’s grip on you, you keep hiding, avoiding and self-editing.

You become the quiet, suppressed and anxious wallflower because you're constantly trying to make sure nobody finds out those things about me.

But when you courageously wear the thing you're hiding like armour, you're no longer at their mercy because they might expose you.

You already fucking own and accept it, so now you can relax and play with it.

That's the superpower: the thing you thought you had to hide becomes a source of deep unshakeable confidence.

But how do you achieve the same effect?

I love practical systems, step-by-steps and roadmaps (and I know you do too).

So here's a step-by-step I take some of my clients through:

1. Audit: Make a list of the things about yourself you don't like or don't want other people to know. With my 1:1 clients, I call this the “Shame Closet Exercise”.

2. Own: After each thing you've written, add the phrase “And I’m done hiding it.” Speak this out loud several times to yourself. For example: “I’m balding right now … and I’m done hiding it.”

3. Defuse: See if you can find humour or a lighter take on each of these. Something that's still true, just lighter. For example (with the balding thing): “I could make a rug with the amount of hair I’m losing.”

4. Choose: Find 1–3 safe people in your life. People you trust won't judge, belittle or shame you. A coach, therapist or trusted professional counts.

5. Reveal: Pick one of those people this week and choose something from your list to reveal to them. It might seem clumsy or random to bring up. But tell them why you're doing it. THEN REVEAL IT.

Every time you do this, you’re building the courage to be yourself.

And that is exactly why my weekly men's group exists.

We practise being fully ourselves every single week: saying the things we'd usually hide, letting ourselves be seen, and building confidence through actual practice.

We’re taking on 3 new members for November.

If you're interested in joining us, reply “GROUP” to this email and I'll send you the details.

In the meantime, stay courageous, and I'll see you next time.

Oliver