Recently, I was looking at some of my old YouTube videos from around 6 or 7 years ago.
And it dawned on me.
Back then, I was still a hardcore “nice guy” who had all of the intellectual understanding of my traumas and problems…
But there was one big issue: I was actively avoiding applying any of it.
I had fallen prey to one of the most subtle yet common traps that “nice guys” fall into: intellectualisation as emotional avoidance.
I read No More Mr. Nice Guy three times cover to cover… but I still went silent to avoid speaking up when a woman’s words upset me.
I made several videos talking about masculinity… but I still binged war documentaries to avoid sitting down, writing about my ideal future, and making a goddamn decision.
Is this familiar?
Knowledge gathering and self-understanding are important.
But after a certain point, this mechanism gets hijacked.
You know what you need to be doing, but you browse Reddit, watch YouTube, and doomscroll in comfortable privacy, away from the eyes and accountability of other people.
It can feel safer to live in your head.
But what feels like progress in the mind is often just an elaborate way of going around in circles while the real work gets neglected.
The anxiety, the shame, and the inaccurate beliefs about yourself that keep your "nice guy" mask firmly intact never get touched.
Your ego feels satisfied, but your true self is starving to be seen.
If you are genuinely ready to stop living in your head and going around in circles, answer these questions honestly:
How many self-development YouTube videos have you watched this week?
How much time have you spent reading articles or speaking with AI?
How many of my emails have you read at this point?
Now look at the past fortnight:
How often have you expressed yourself in a way that felt uncomfortable or edgy?
How many times have you directly communicated a need or set a boundary?
How many strong decisions have you made about your life?
See where I'm going?
The wound that created our "nice guy" mask is a relational wound.
And a relational wound can only be healed in relation to other people.
If you want to genuinely fix this, you have to be willing to pause the research, step out of isolation, and enter real, genuine connection with other men.
That’s why I host our weekly men’s group.
It’s a structured space where, for two hours a week, we stop theorising about recovery and actually practice it.
Getting real, speaking the truth, raising your standards and breaking out of chronic emotional avoidance with men who won't let you hide behind your intellect.
And as of right now, there are only four spaces left.
We meet on Saturdays at 12 pm UK time.
If you're interested in joining, reply to this email with the word “GROUP” and I’ll give you the next steps.
Stay courageous,
Oliver
