Most people think emotional abuse is obvious.
Shouting, chaos and big blow-ups.
But for a lot of the men I’ve worked with, it was nothing like that.
It was quiet, subtle and easy to explain away.
But over time, it slowly ate away at their confidence until they didn’t really know who they were anymore.
Today, I want to share five subtle signs that show up again and again.
Patterns I’ve seen in real relationships.
First one.
Sign 1: You start monitoring yourself around her
You pause before you speak.
You run things through your head.
You ask yourself if it’s even worth saying.
At first it feels like you’re just being considerate.
After a while, it isn’t.
You’re walking on eggshells, managing her reactions and staying small to avoid her reactions.
That’s not a healthy relationship.
That’s anxiety pretending to be one.
Sign 2: Responsibility always flips back onto you
Let’s say she does something that hurts you.
You bring it up calmly.
And somehow you end up apologising for how you said it.
Not once. Repeatedly.
You leave conversations feeling guilty for even raising things.
When accountability only ever goes one way, something is off.
Sign 3: Her emotions dominate but yours aren’t welcome
When she’s upset, you listen.
You reassure, validate and play the role of her therapist.
But what happens when you’re struggling?
She might tell you that you’re suddenly “too sensitive” or “making a big deal out of nothing”.
Her feelings take up space while yours get shut down.
Sign 4: Shame gets used as a weapon
Maybe you set a boundary.
You say no and disagree calmly.
And then you hear things like:
“Man up.”
“Be a man.”
This is what I call weaponised masculinity and it happens way more than most people realise.
You’re not being weak in those moments. You’re just not giving her what she wants.
And that’s a shame tactic being used to keep you in line.
Sign 5: Your life slowly disappears
One client said something that stuck with me.
He looked at his phone one day and realised he hadn’t seen his friends in months.
Not because he was told not to. He just didn’t have the energy anymore.
His world had quietly shrunk.
A healthy relationship makes your life bigger, not smaller.
If any of this landed uncomfortably, that’s not a coincidence.
I’ve just published a new video where I break these five signs down in more detail.
Stay courageous.
Oliver