90% of all Nice Guys I have worked with had the same types of parents.
Passive father.
Controlling (even devouring) mother.
In this kind of environment, a boy learns two things:
1. Women are the boss (and are to be feared).
2. Masculinity means to be submissive to women.
Both of these lessons are fucking devastating to a man's relationships.
They keep him unconsciously stuck repeating the same pattern again and again in without him even knowing it.
(Freud called it the Repetition Compulsion).
So to heal and grow beyond the trap of the family vortex, a few things have to happen:
You must learn to disappoint women instead of habitually trying to please them.
You must learn to tolerate calm, stable and secure relationships without running away or sabotaging them (most nice guys believe that love and chaos are the same thing which is just a reflection of the inconsistent love from the mother).
You must get serious about finding healthy masculine role models and put yourself in environments with STRONG male companions to fill the gap your father left (Muay Thai/MMA and men's groups).
You must set serious boundaries with your own mother if she's still alive. Any level of emotional/energetic enmeshment is a tether keeping you stuck in boyhood and unable to have a real intimate relationship.
You must take the blinders off and become deeply aware of the effect your family environment had on you, with self-compassion and without collapsing into blame or shame.
You must also become the loving father to yourself that you never got. We call this Reparenting. If you don't do this, fearing loneliness, the "boy within" will take over and drive you into the arms of familiar, dysfunctional women again and again.
I could go on.
My next video will be about this topic so keep an eye out.
And if you want support in your journey of becoming the best man you can be, consider joining my weekly men's group on Tuesdays.
(Doors are open until Tuesday and then closed until May)
Stay courageous, brothers.
OC
